Happy Birthday Sir...A tale of a final year student

Sometimes God plays a cruel joke and sometimes in the very same instance he can change that joke into full blown stand-up comedy. For those of you who are still trying to make sense of what I just said, I invite you to sit through a lecture of one of my professors in my final year of college. Some of these guys I guess are professors only because ‘luck’ had it that there was no other choice when they attended the interview… ‘bad luck’ that is…

Let me tell you about one such man, Prof. Banerjee(name changed to protect identity), who every time he catches an erring student claims that he has over 15 years of experience and has been fortunate enough to teach 50,000 students in those glorious years. I did some quick estimates and figured out that the dope, kind of over-estimated the figure by 44,500. (A minor over-estimation I must say.)

This ever so often repeated statement is followed by him condemning us for our very existence and for the years we have spent uselessly getting educated. In one particular instance I remember he said, “You have been students for 11 +3…15 years.” Boy I wonder how he came up with that figure….11 years for schooling and 3 years of college??? I am sure I was in school for a little longer that that, and 11 + 3 makes 15??? I guess our dear professor should have spent a few more years in school perhaps mastering elementary mathematics and if he had the time….English grammar.

I remember an incident that happened when the Kargil War on between India and Pakistan. As a self-proclaimed Master of Foreign Affairs and top secret army strategy and of course English Grammar this dude states, and I quote, “Pakistan says they cannot get won with Indian Army peoples.” There were revelatory moments and he would declare us to be ungrateful because we did not value the fact that we were in a great college while many did not make it in. He stated this in a rather eloquent and meditative manner. “Some peoples are lucky and some are non-lucky.” I presume he meant that those who did not get admission into our college were “non-lucky”…sometimes I wonder if it was perhaps not the other way around.

There is one thing that I kind of forgot to mention. Prof. Banerjee is a very caring man or at least so he wants us to believe. A devoted socialist and a firm believer in the concept of equality except when it concerns his new Korean car, his new house, his Parker pen about which he would never stop talking, our man always tried to instill the lofty ideals of socialism in the minds of his students. On one such occasion he said and I quote, “They all started with socialist pattern of society. They all broke it because of monotony because people were only labours, they were exploited like machine and machine parts.” You must be wondering why these statements sort of show that socialism is bad. But trust me all this time he was sincerely advocating socialism in his own special way.

Ever so often, when we would hear his golden words of wisdom, those of us who were not busy getting cured of insomnia would break out into loud fits of laughter. Not realizing that he was the object of our ridicule he would complain, “You making funs and jokes, you are not forgetting.” The second ‘you’ I am sure referred to him. This statement usually left the class devoid of laughter because by now all those who were catching up on valuable sleep would ask us what the Sage of Eternal Wisdom just said. This would most often turn the class into a replica of the local fish market or the Mumbai Stock Exchange. To silence the class he would use his warning line with utmost seriousness and severity, “No takings all of you.” I give up.

Once when we were discussing the Industrial Revolution, Prof Banerjee in a rather touching way told us about the plight of the miners during the industrial revolution. He said and again I quote, “In minings, miners have no nice breathings.” When we laughed, he told us that we had no feeling for those who suffer and that we were arrogant college students. Little did he realize that we were laughing at him and the limited brainpower the otherwise generous almighty has bestowed him with.

In addition to getting educated about the Industrial Revolution which according to Mr. Banerjee started in the late 5th century and was ordered by King Henry of England who had escaped being beheaded in Germany, we also learned a thing or two about politics and corruption. He once said, “You know these days we have all these politicians who were thundus and go to office and get corruption from others.” To top it all he told us that all the Mini-flyovers in Chennai were supposed to be two-ways but because of the corruption, half the money has been eaten up and hence they were now only one-ways. Wow!!!

Like most colleges, ours also organized out of city trips and we were unlucky or maybe non-lucky to have Prof. Banerjee accompanying us. Part of our trip was a rather unwilling stop at a Lion and Tiger Safari. I was unfortunately the last of the group to make the trip and hence got stuck with the witch doctor. When we entered the safari, he started his lame threats telling us that if we misbehaved he would throw us out of the bus and we would be eaten by the Lions just like in the story, “The man-eating TIGERS of Kumaon’. And when he did finally come upon a tiger he said, “Boys look…the King of the Jungle.” This is when our tour guide even with his limited understanding of the English Language broke out into a fit of laughter and threw Mr. B into a churning rage.

The next morning in the hotel room while most of us were still recovering from the rather low rates at the local bar Prof. Banerjee knocked on the door. We did not know who it was and so we used local slang to usher in the uninvited guest. To this we just heard the same knock being repeated. Finally one of the weary souls had to get up and open the door. The opening of the door was followed by a laugh from Prof. Banerjee. All he did was say, “Ha Ha ha.” We wished him a very good morning. He repeated his, “Ha ha ha.” Now we were in a dilemma…should we join him in his unbridled early morning enthusiasm or should we ask him why he was laughing like a drunken old ape in the forest. Well, someone finally asked him why he was laughing and he simply said, and these words still echo in my mind every time I hear a knock a door, “Ha ha ha. Today is my birthday, wish me Man!!!” The only thought that traversed my mind on hearing this chap was that we were now going to be forced to celebrate the anniversary of the day the Lord Almighty made one small mistake; the mistake being creating a Prof. Banerjee with the gift of the gab but not giving him enough brain power to back it up. Our sleepy response, “Happy Birthday Sir.”