This is a Letter I wrote to the Head of Customer Care of the Company that Manufactured my DVD player

Let me first give you a little background...I bought a DVD player on the 21st of May. It was a DVD player with some really cool new features, but it had one small problem as you will soon find out when you read the letter I wrote to the Head of Customer Care. You will however notice that I have not given you the name of the company I bought the DVD Player from, this is for Legal reasons and the fact that this is not a campaign against the company but more a personal battle which is limited only to my DVD Player. The Name of the company is referred to as XYZ.
Read on...

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To the Head of Customer Service(INDIA),

Dear Sir,

My Name is Rohit Jayakaran and I am the not so proud owner of an XYZ – DVD player*. However I used the word DVD PLAYER with the infamous term “CONDITIONS APPLY”. You may wonder why I use the term conditions apply, well that is perhaps because your DVD PLAYER* has one SMALL problem, it does not play DVDs.

I bought this DVD Player* on the 21st of May 2007 and ever since then it has taken longer to read a DVD than a 2 year old would take to read the new Harry Potter Novel. Last week I’d just about had enough and came to your office to give the infamous DVD Player* for repair.

I was shown the inside of the DVD Player* by one of the employees at your office and it was explained to me that the DVD Player* has 3 components and if any of them were to be found to be in less than pristine condition, it would be replaced, thus making the DVD player* as good as new.

I must thank my lucky stars that your service engineers have repaired my DVD Player* and made it as good as NEW…the ONLY problem is that it is AS GOOD AS A NEW XYZ DVD PLAYER which DOES not PLAY DVDs.

I would love to engage in this back and forth with your company attempting to try to make my DVD player* work, but my patience for your inefficiency has run out. I have accepted the fact that I might just as well wait for the 2 year old to read the Harry Potter novel to me rather than wait for your DVD Player* to play DVDs.

Now let me summarize the contents of this letter:
1. Your DVD Player is a gigantic paper weight.
2. I have run out of patience.
3. I want my money back.
4. You can keep the gigantic paper weight in your office for decorative purposes.
5. I would like a cheque make in favour of ‘Rohit Jayakaran’ for the Sum or Rs. 4790.
6. I would like you guys to co-sign an application for the Limca Book of Records for manufacturing the worlds most expensive paper weight. I AM SURE WE WILL WIN.


Kind Regards,



Rohit Jayakaran

Bridal Shower Item Number by the Dancing Queens

This is a video we shot a few days ago at a Friends Brial Shower. Basically, 5 Cross Dressing men, gate crashed an all girls Bridal Shower, performed an ITEM Number and left...
Camera : Victor Lazaro
Dancing Queens : Rohit Jayakaran(Beedi), Satish(Kajrare), Soma(Pera Rap), Darius and Rajesh(My Humps).
Choreography : What Choreography???
Music : Soma and Rohit Jayakaran and some other big time composers who actually did the work.

Happy Birthday Sir...A tale of a final year student

Sometimes God plays a cruel joke and sometimes in the very same instance he can change that joke into full blown stand-up comedy. For those of you who are still trying to make sense of what I just said, I invite you to sit through a lecture of one of my professors in my final year of college. Some of these guys I guess are professors only because ‘luck’ had it that there was no other choice when they attended the interview… ‘bad luck’ that is…

Let me tell you about one such man, Prof. Banerjee(name changed to protect identity), who every time he catches an erring student claims that he has over 15 years of experience and has been fortunate enough to teach 50,000 students in those glorious years. I did some quick estimates and figured out that the dope, kind of over-estimated the figure by 44,500. (A minor over-estimation I must say.)

This ever so often repeated statement is followed by him condemning us for our very existence and for the years we have spent uselessly getting educated. In one particular instance I remember he said, “You have been students for 11 +3…15 years.” Boy I wonder how he came up with that figure….11 years for schooling and 3 years of college??? I am sure I was in school for a little longer that that, and 11 + 3 makes 15??? I guess our dear professor should have spent a few more years in school perhaps mastering elementary mathematics and if he had the time….English grammar.

I remember an incident that happened when the Kargil War on between India and Pakistan. As a self-proclaimed Master of Foreign Affairs and top secret army strategy and of course English Grammar this dude states, and I quote, “Pakistan says they cannot get won with Indian Army peoples.” There were revelatory moments and he would declare us to be ungrateful because we did not value the fact that we were in a great college while many did not make it in. He stated this in a rather eloquent and meditative manner. “Some peoples are lucky and some are non-lucky.” I presume he meant that those who did not get admission into our college were “non-lucky”…sometimes I wonder if it was perhaps not the other way around.

There is one thing that I kind of forgot to mention. Prof. Banerjee is a very caring man or at least so he wants us to believe. A devoted socialist and a firm believer in the concept of equality except when it concerns his new Korean car, his new house, his Parker pen about which he would never stop talking, our man always tried to instill the lofty ideals of socialism in the minds of his students. On one such occasion he said and I quote, “They all started with socialist pattern of society. They all broke it because of monotony because people were only labours, they were exploited like machine and machine parts.” You must be wondering why these statements sort of show that socialism is bad. But trust me all this time he was sincerely advocating socialism in his own special way.

Ever so often, when we would hear his golden words of wisdom, those of us who were not busy getting cured of insomnia would break out into loud fits of laughter. Not realizing that he was the object of our ridicule he would complain, “You making funs and jokes, you are not forgetting.” The second ‘you’ I am sure referred to him. This statement usually left the class devoid of laughter because by now all those who were catching up on valuable sleep would ask us what the Sage of Eternal Wisdom just said. This would most often turn the class into a replica of the local fish market or the Mumbai Stock Exchange. To silence the class he would use his warning line with utmost seriousness and severity, “No takings all of you.” I give up.

Once when we were discussing the Industrial Revolution, Prof Banerjee in a rather touching way told us about the plight of the miners during the industrial revolution. He said and again I quote, “In minings, miners have no nice breathings.” When we laughed, he told us that we had no feeling for those who suffer and that we were arrogant college students. Little did he realize that we were laughing at him and the limited brainpower the otherwise generous almighty has bestowed him with.

In addition to getting educated about the Industrial Revolution which according to Mr. Banerjee started in the late 5th century and was ordered by King Henry of England who had escaped being beheaded in Germany, we also learned a thing or two about politics and corruption. He once said, “You know these days we have all these politicians who were thundus and go to office and get corruption from others.” To top it all he told us that all the Mini-flyovers in Chennai were supposed to be two-ways but because of the corruption, half the money has been eaten up and hence they were now only one-ways. Wow!!!

Like most colleges, ours also organized out of city trips and we were unlucky or maybe non-lucky to have Prof. Banerjee accompanying us. Part of our trip was a rather unwilling stop at a Lion and Tiger Safari. I was unfortunately the last of the group to make the trip and hence got stuck with the witch doctor. When we entered the safari, he started his lame threats telling us that if we misbehaved he would throw us out of the bus and we would be eaten by the Lions just like in the story, “The man-eating TIGERS of Kumaon’. And when he did finally come upon a tiger he said, “Boys look…the King of the Jungle.” This is when our tour guide even with his limited understanding of the English Language broke out into a fit of laughter and threw Mr. B into a churning rage.

The next morning in the hotel room while most of us were still recovering from the rather low rates at the local bar Prof. Banerjee knocked on the door. We did not know who it was and so we used local slang to usher in the uninvited guest. To this we just heard the same knock being repeated. Finally one of the weary souls had to get up and open the door. The opening of the door was followed by a laugh from Prof. Banerjee. All he did was say, “Ha Ha ha.” We wished him a very good morning. He repeated his, “Ha ha ha.” Now we were in a dilemma…should we join him in his unbridled early morning enthusiasm or should we ask him why he was laughing like a drunken old ape in the forest. Well, someone finally asked him why he was laughing and he simply said, and these words still echo in my mind every time I hear a knock a door, “Ha ha ha. Today is my birthday, wish me Man!!!” The only thought that traversed my mind on hearing this chap was that we were now going to be forced to celebrate the anniversary of the day the Lord Almighty made one small mistake; the mistake being creating a Prof. Banerjee with the gift of the gab but not giving him enough brain power to back it up. Our sleepy response, “Happy Birthday Sir.”

An Extra Larger Order of CHICKEN Please!

Sometimes in life you hold something inside for long enough that is starts affecting you mentally and physically. I am not going to waste anytime beating around the bush like I usually do. I am talking about confessing to someone that you really like them a lot. I think it was about time I did it.

You know fate would have it that I said something that I really wanted to say on a day like Valentine’s Day. The funny thing is that mine is the voice on the Radio Station in Bangalore attempting to get Bangalore into a rather romantic mood. Over the last couple of days you may have heard things like… “Keeping trying your luck…its Valentine’s week”…or… “Come on time is running out”… “Get smooth this Valentines day.”

I was driving to work this morning and was finding it hard to get my guts together…then all of a sudden I found inspiration in lines I had recorded and were playing on my radio station. You know I never thought that of all the people in the world, I would end up saying what I truly felt on Valentine’s Day. All of a sudden yesterday I was listening to a show on the radio and the Jock said, “If you would like to tell someone how you feel, there is no better time than now.” All of a sudden my passive listening turned into a call to action. I had been waiting for way too long.

You know the last time that actually did blog was on the 12th of January. Even on that day I really wanted to say something on my blog but rested after just saying something very briefly in my concluding sentence. Worse still at that time I was already overdue on my personal commitment to say what I really thought I should say.

As I was saying earlier, this whole thing weighs on you over a period of time. After a certain amount of time I think I personally started to feel that I was being deceitful to the one person I hold in great regard by most certainly being dishonest to time. I was high time I told her something.

Trust me, not a day has past all though this year when I have not thought I should tell her what I really feel. Then, on Friday morning while I was still struggling to open my eyes for the long day ahead, I received a call from my best friend in Chennai. His simple words kept echoing in my mind… “Tell her how you feel.”

With great determination, I started my day with the sole aim of telling her how I really felt. But fate plays funny games with us. I never got to see her on Friday. Unfortunate as it may seem, the weekend passed by with no better luck. Sometime late in the evening on Sunday, the whole thing hit me all over again…What would I say? How would I say it? What would my punch line be? How would I react to what she would say? Could I just be a chicken and tell her and RUN? Ahhhh…there I had it staring me in the face. The ‘I am a chicken approach was always a good one?’ Never really met anyone who has a success story attached to the Chicken Approach…but it should work…since I have never met anyone who has experienced failure with the same method.

How bad could it be??? Say what you want to…run and never have to hear what the other person said…live happily ever after in an illusion. Wonderful!!! “Can I have one Chicken Approach with a regular Pepsi and fries…on the go please!”

And there you have it…Monday morning. All ready for a hit and run. But this fate thing is like a pimple at puberty. The bugger keeps coming back. Monday was not my day. I think I woke up in the morning and on my way to work stopped off for an all important cup of tea. The sun was shining brightly and I said to myself… “Today does not feel like it.” I think I gave the guy at the Chicken counter, GUTS instead of BUCKS. Damn this fate crap.

Missed the opportunity all through the day. Finally I did what any self respecting man would not do… yes… I took the ‘Large Order of Chicken’…otherwise called ‘The phone call routine’. Hey stop judging me. Atleast I was not going to send her an SMS…that is like the ‘Extra Large Order of Chicken.’

So…my pride (Ha ha) in hand, I sent her an SMS. No no…I am not going Extra Large Chicken on you…I sent her an SMS to see if she was awake. At the same time to get a bit of an adenine rush, I switched on the playstation and started playing NBA LIVE. Yes…what a game. Now somewhere at the end of the first quarter of the game, she messaged back saying she was awake. This would be around 11:17 in the night. Lovely…excellent…what am I saying…lets be honest…I was wishing she was asleep. But she wasn’t. But I still needed some of that adenine rush…(Rohit you shameless CHICKEN) so I continued playing the entire game. At about half past the hour, I picked up my phone, and dialed her number. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I though that the words would come out when I got to the moment.

Earlier in the evening I had tried to script something, just incase I forgot what I was going to say. Later that became points and then I got butter fingers and decided…lets just do this on the fly….after all…I just had to be honest. Simple.

Ring Ring

Ring Ring

Ring Ring

Ring Ring

Ring Ring

Deep Breath

Hello!

Ring Ring

Ring Ring

Hmmmm…looks like she has gone to sleep…yippee.

Now…I just have 25 minutes to Valentines Day. She is asleep. I cannot sleep. And I feel like a cheat and a dishonest soul. And that bugger fate knocks on my door.

“Hello”, I say. “I was not expecting you. But you seem to be here anyway. I am not going to fight you anymore dude. Ok so I will be one of THOSE people who say what they feel on Valentines day…but dude…I think it is just coincidence it happens to be the day when I finally got my act together…as far as I am concerned, it is a TUESDAY…and not Valentines Day when I am going to tell her what I feel”

FATE: “Whatever helps you sleep at night mate. Good night.”

Anyways, as you can see I don’t like this FATE chap too much. He has quite a loud mouth and likes to have his way. I hate people like that. I never listen to them.

TUESDAY MORNING

I wake up kind of late. On my way to work I stop by for a cup of tea. Something makes me say out loud, “Today is the day.” (Fate Sniggers)

Its not valentine’s day…it is Tuesday.

(In the distance and unknown voice… “Whatever Dude”)

Ok…I run through the day…minutes seemed like seconds. Seconds lost their importance. And I was staring at 6:15 on my watch. Damn you Rohit…Tell her…

And then I did. I looked for a moment of isolation. Got none. Created one and then…to her smiling expectant face, said something I have never said before.

“I have something to tell you”

“Is it about X, Y, Z…”

She kept interrupting...I needed to get more focused and stop leaving long pauses in between my words for her to interrupt. Focus ROHIT FOCUS. (BTW…Fate was smiling somewhere in the background. The scoundrel!)

And then I told her what I wanted to…

All I did was say what I truly and honestly felt. It should have been the toughest thing I have ever said, but it wasn’t. It seemed easier than speaking unprepared at a School elocution completion. I have never been so honest in my life. I usually know what people want to hear and tell them exactly what they need to hear to make them happy. But this time around, honest made me eloquent.

The funny thing is that I don’t quite remember what I said, but it was something to the effect, that you are an amazing person and I really really like you.

I don’t quite think she was expecting what I said. She on the other hand told me that I am a really good friend and her past will keep her single for a long time in the future.

Hmmm…

She then told me that this is going to make things weird between us. Then in the very next sentence she said, “I guess it must have been quite weird for you all this time though.”

Punch line time: ROHIT: Yes…but why should I be the only person feeling weird…you should fell weird as well…and so…I am here before you tell you what I really feel.

Boom!!!

She says with a big smile on her face (which I do not think has anything to do with me) “I don’t know what to say.”

Rohit: I don’t expect you to say anything. I told you what I felt. I just felt I needed to be honest.

With that I was in the studio at 7 pm taking over the drive time show. Some of my listeners asked me how it went…I told them the truth…I met up with an old mate for dinner…got home…I feel great. I have a smile on my face and a spring in my leap. It feels good to be honest...I played NBA LIVE and creamed the oposition !!! What a Game man!!!

Tomorrow is another day.

Confessions of a Quitter

When I say, “Its been a while..” it really has. You know I started this blog with the intention of updating it on the go from my mobile phone almost a year and a half ago. However that whole GPRS thing was way to expensive for me to use on my mobile phone and so I decided I would update it the old fashion what from my computer everyday. But that turned out to be quite expensive in terms of time and so I decided I would blog once a year…that way I am bound to keep my promise to myself. Yes…New Year Resolution…aim low…and be an over achiever. Check it out…this is me meeting the target for 2006.

For those of you who have been sending me emails and posting comments on my blog, this move to actually blog again might come as a surprise to you. Well it comes to me as a surprise as well, but I thought that there is something I need to talk about. No…it is not about my new radio career in India. That is nice fun. Work is great, the people are fantastic…and yes…I have FINALLLLLLLLLLY signed up for a guitar class. Before we go any further…lets go through a brief history of my Musical Career.

BOOOM!

A Brief Overview of My Guitar Career.

1998(July)
Bought First Guitar off a friend

1999
Went for my first guitar class.

1999(Next Day)
Went for my second guitar class…and gave up.

2001
Donated Guitar to close friend.

2004
Decided to start Band with Friend in London. He picked up a drum kit and I picked up an electric guitar.

2004(Next Day)
Picked up 3 books and a CD ROM to learn the guitar.

2004(Next Month)
Moved to India with Expensive Electric Guitar. Looked like a rock star in the plane…got laughed at by friends.

2004(Dec)
Finally Opened the books and installed the CD ROM on my computer.

2004(Dec…15 min later)
Gave up.

2005(Dec)
Decided to sign up for guitar classes. But teacher recommends acoustic guitar. So buy a new one.
2005(2 days later)
Go for my first class.

2005(3 days later)
Take guitar to office where it is broken by some people moving chairs around.

2005(Dec - Last week)
Buy fourth guitar.

2006 (Today)
Hi I am Rohit Jayakaran. I am a quitter. But I have been going for my guitar classes for one month and one week.


Phew!!! That is quite long. Ok…but what I really wanted to talk about was a young lady who has quite caught my fancy. Ok…cold feet alert. I am not going any further. Will talk about this later…

(There you go again…you shameless quitter)

I Cycle...therefore I cycle.

It has been a very very long time since I blogged. I would like to tell you all about my adventures over the past few months...but I won't. Instead I will tell you that I just bought a really funky Cycle. Yes...yes...as someone put it..."Rohit...aren't you going down the wrong end of the food chain?" Well...YES. But this is a lot of fun.

Ok Ok...I have not even ridden the cycle yet. I picked it up on my way back from work and unloaded it from the car and brought it inside the house. A few hours later I decided to unpack the bike....so I took my trusted Swiss army knife and tried to cut open the packaging. I was taking great care so as not to scratch the bike...but as fate would have it...I jabbed the knife into my palm...NICE START TO THIS BIKE ADVENTURE.

It is about 2 am now...I need to get up early in the morning to try out the cycle...so I better crash now...I wanted to go out cycling now...BUT...those dogs that guard the end of my street may think I am stranger...and trust me...18 gears is nothing compared to 8 dogs with more than 18 teeth each.

Dogs must be crazy

I am slowly getting used to Bangalore. The food, the noise, the dogs...all of it. Coming to think of it, Bangalore is not that bad a city to live in. Ok apart from the traffic, the bad roads, the expensive real estate and the crazy mobile phone operators. Whatever said and done...Bangalore is a real fun place...I mean funny place to live in. I do not know if people notice some of this stuff...I am sure they do...but as Indians I guess we are really good at adjusting to stuff. Let me get started.

I don't know if you have ever noticed, but sometime people with paint brushes in their hands just have way too much power in their grasp. You would think that the guy paying people to paint notices would at least check up and see what these blokes are up to...or at least verify with someone with a few years of education behind them to check and see if the stuff they are paying to have painted or printed is actually correct. But NOOOOOOO...that would be too easy. This whole world we live in has a sense of humour.

For example, I was walking down Church Street last week in Bangalore and I saw this lovely notice. Now Church street is bang in the middle of town. It is next to MG Road...ie one of two street in Bangalore with WOMEN. Anyways this is what I saw:-



Now the best part is that the whole street virtually has this notice painted along the walls. Now if you do not see anything wrong with it, send me your cv and I will get you in touch with the Corporation of Bangalore and you can have a great career in painting walls or at least writing the copy for the stuff being painted on the walls.

Now as I said this whole world around us has a great sense of humour. Just opposite this lovely notice telling people NOT TO URINE on the wall was another classic. This time around the stuff painted was correct, just that one of those many idiots on roads who have somehow passed their driving tests does exactly what we expect of a moron. I draw your attention to exhibit B.



Now...need I saw more about this kind gentleman...or is a lady driver who got all excited about a free parking spot...hmm...on the subject of lady drivers...and I am be cautious here so that my lawyers do not need to get me out of any unnecessary trouble...ah...screw it...I will tell you another story. This was two weeks ago. I was on my friends bike and was sort of in a hurry to get to the studio from where I needed to pick up my audio show reel. Now this is an average side street in a residential area. There is enough place for two cars to pass and more than enough place for a car and a bike to get by without any trouble. I was behind this car. The driver was moving along quite slowly and so I wanted to overtake the driver. Just then I noticed that there was a push cart vendor on the street and the car looked like it was overtaking the push cart. I thought I could follow the car and then overtake the driver. But NOPE... I had to hit my brakes right there as the car came to a complete halt right in the middle of the road, and the drive...who by now you should have guessed is a lady, (sorry honey) rolls down her windows and starts buying vegetables from the vendor. When I finally over took her...I looked back and was about to give her a piece of my mind...then I though to myself...'Rohit Bhai tension nehi lene ka hai...it could have been worse.' (In english - Some people were dropped on the head as babies)

Talking about vendors and signboards. Here is another one from Bangalore's Brigade Road. This one is paid for by your and my taxes...ok...YOUR taxes. Once I start paying my taxes in India I will demand for proof readers to be employed...or maybe I just won't care. Yup anyways check out Exhibit C.



Hmmm...I do not think I have said anything about the traffic as yet. Well you have got to see the way rules are observed in Bangalore. The white line at traffic signals...the sticking to the lane...giving other people consideration...I would like to draw your attention to the ONLY follower of the above mentioned things visible in Exhibit D.



Yes you got it, my mate MooMoo the cow on Airport Road was the only person/animal behind the white line, in lane and letting traffic pass her by without making a fuss. The only problem being that MooMoo should have been eating grass in some field. Someone let her out to grab a bite...but in Bangalore all you will get it Bytes...sorry MooMoo...but thank you for that lovely pose. I will come and see ya later...say hi to your dad for me and tell him I ain't taking no bullshit from him.

Phew...now where does that bring me? Ah...Mintu, Pintu and Chintu. Yes they are my new mates in Bangalore. They live down my street. They are the stray dogs in the area. Mintu is black, brown and white...slightly plump. Pintu is thin and brown...and Chintu looks like Pintu but is called Chintu. Ah...yes and there is one more dog that refuses to come to me. I call him Moo… because he looks like MooMoo the cow. Anyways these are really friendly dogs. Ok they are friendly if you get them something to eat...but knowing me...you should know that I have already bribed all the dogs in my area so they give me no trouble when I get back late in the night...except Moo...the bugger cannot be bought...this evening we shouted at some dude working in one of the MNC's near my house because he was throwing a stone at Pintu. You should have seen him when we shouted at him...was worth a million dollars...ok...ok...5 bucks tops...


Ok I think I need to crash now...but before I go there is one more thing that is on my mind. Well I was thinking about the number of people who keep blowing their horns in India. Everyone seems to be in such a hurry. No one wants to wait for others (except MooMoo). When you look at the roads and the people on them, you would think that everyone is in such a hurry to be somewhere or the other...but think about it from personal experience. You try to get to the shop fast...you get there...and they serve you like time does not exist. You hurry to a government office...and they wait there for half a day to get one paper moved. You hurry to the AIRTEL showroom and then wait for 20 minutes just to find a seat and another 40 minutes for someone to greet you. Just think about it...why are we in such a hurry if in reality we are 'totally bindas' (Carefree and chilled out). WHY? What I would like to know is for a country and culture that can stay cool through almost anything...and where patience is not just a virtue but the requirement...why are we in such a hurry on the roads.

This brings me to the morons who have decided that it is really cool to have a stupid tune playing every time they hit the brakes. I shall however not waste even another minute of sleep over such people...may they get sick and tired of the crappy tunes they have chosen...

(If I have offended anyone, anything or any brand name, it is because I feel strongly about it...so if you wanna see me in court...get ready to write a cheque in my name...however if I have called you an idiot or a moron in this blog...it is because you are one...so just remember...NO PARKING IN FRONT OF THE GATE)

PS: Part 1 - My blogs always have spelling and grammar mistake. That is because I could not be bothered to read through them and correct the mistakes…after all…I am an idiot and a moron as well…maybe someday someone will write about me in their blog.

PS: Part 2 – If you would like to listen to my Audio Show reel, this is the address
http://www.rohit.co.uk/voiceover.htm
Also do check out some updates under the photographs section on my site - http://www.rohit.co.uk